The Parent-Child Sex Talk
by: Terrance
Lile
In the already infamous “condom episode” of “South Park,” the town decides that
sex education is desperately needed in the schools after a number of the kids
are caught innocently “milking” male dogs. As with most “South Park” episodes,
much raunchy humor follows. And also as with most “South Park” episodes, there's
a final “moral” that ends up being both serious and legitimate—in this case the
point that sex education needs to be taught not in the schools (or at least not
primarily in the schools) but at home. Which is, of course, easier said than
done.
* * *
In fact, talking to our children about S-E-X is one
of the most difficult talks that many parents will face. That tiny, 3-letter
word seems to hold a spell over us and by uttering it to a child we think we are
going to hell. Some parents are afraid that if they discuss sex with their
child, Child Protective Services will soon be knocking at their door. They think
that if they talk sex they are going to be accused of pedophilia or being weird.
Others feel that if they teach their child about sex and birth control they are
advocating promiscuity. Some of us are so damn uptight that we just hope that
the schools will do a good job of teaching sex or our kids will see other kids
getting pregnant or an STD and decide on their own to wait. A wise, responsible
parent will equip their child with the knowledge that will help and protect the
child should they become sexually active. Each year roughly two million children
are born to unmarried parents in the United States alone. If you don't want your
child to be one of these parents or you are not ready to be one of the
grandparents, you better get with the program and start talking about sex.
Hopefully you will start at an early age and keep right on talking even after
you have the kids married off.
* * *
When children are young we
talk to them using terminology that they can understand but do not hide the
obvious or the truth. If they see a couple of dogs hooking up you explain that
the dogs are making babies. We can read toddlers and small children books that
are written at their level. When you see your children touching themselves you
need to let them know that it is okay to touch it but to do so someplace
private. And you want to make sure that a small child understands that their
“private area” is not to be touched by others and that if someone tries to or
does, they need to tell you right away and that you will not be mad at them.
* * *
During all sex talks turn off the television, radio and
cell phone. Turn on the telephone answering machine and select a time when you
are less likely to be disturbed by someone coming to the door. Make the talks
special and, if you have more than one kid, don't try to save time by having
them all at once. While it is okay for older children to be in on the
conversation with the younger children, the opposite is not advised. When a
13-year-old boy sees that his 10-year-old sister is getting hairy armpits and
the only hair he has is on his head, he feels that something horrible must be
wrong. So have two separate talks. Reassure your son he's not a monster, and
tell your daughter about menstruation so that when she experiences that first
flow she won't think she's bleeding to death. I would suggest purchasing a good
book on puberty and not just give it to them but also first read it yourself and
then together and answer any questions they may have. Books like this can be
found in bookstores or at educational websites like Ask Uncle Terry.
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By the age of 13 you should be talking about birth control and
masturbation. Let your child know that masturbation is something most all of us
practice and it is normal. Tell him about precum and semen so that the first
time your son has an orgasm he will not think that he broke something. Put
lotion and tissue in your son's room for those runny noses and to keep his hands
soft. This will not embarrass him and it will help you with the cleanup. But
there are other times, of course, when a topic has to be addressed directly.
When these times come up you can't be afraid to explore the topic
candidly. Remember you are the parent, so be strong and stay the course and, if
necessary, demand that your children do, too. Take control, be open, have a
dialogue and have them tell you what they have learned from school, their
friends or on their own. Answer their questions fully without sugar coating.
Discuss masturbation, sexual safety, STDs and protection. Remember that diseases
like AIDS and hepatitis can be deadly, making the use of condoms mandatory.
* * *
Oral sex has become a prevalent form of sex among our
children, so discuss it openly and remind them that while they will not become
pregnant through oral or anal intercourse they can still get a sexually
transferred disease. Answer their questions about oral sex and anything else is
one way of showing that you are always there for them. Make it perfectly clear
that they need to wait until adulthood before becoming sexually active, but if
they do make the plunge earlier don't turn your back on them or refuse to answer
questions about condoms or birth control. It may make you feel uncomfortable,
but that's the price that you need to be willing to pay for knowing you are
doing your best to protect your tween and teen children from raising children of
their own.
* * *
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